PLAYING WITH BOUNDARIES: YOUR PEACE & YOUR PEOPLE

I’ve seen several posts online where somebody asks what they should do if there’s a player in the open play group that’s not treating others very well. Someone who’s overly aggressive, domineering, short-fused, or rude.

The question is usually the same: Should I continue to play with them? Should I put my paddle in the rack if I know their paddle is there?

Look, we were all introduced to pickleball and were told that it is a very social game. Which is true. And boy have I leveraged the heck out of that aspect. As such, I’ve made so many friendships over the years, some who have become my best friends and playing partners.

But just like any relationship that I have in my life—family, friends, coworkers, romantic partner, and even my pickleball community—I require respect, consideration, kindness, and safety.

These are non-negotiable to me, and if you want to have a relationship with me, that’s the price of admission that I have set in place. And if not, that’s okay, too.

One of the most important things I learned after training as a relationship coach was to be my most authentic self. And with that came the understanding that I am not for everyone.

And that was a difficult notion to digest, especially as a former people pleaser. But living my life as the truest version of myself has been the best decision I have ever made.

Competition Without the Meanness

I live in a conservative religious area of the country, where the majority of people are cheerful and nice. In my almost 10 years of playing, I have come across a handful of people who have exhibited behaviors on the court that I’m not aligned with.

I don’t do eye rolls. I don’t tolerate berating body language or negative verbal expressions. And I certainly won’t stand for aggressive behavior.

I have literally walked off the court in the middle of a game when this has happened.

Frankly put, I have no tolerance for meanness or for others’ projections.

All that being said, I am always down for fierce competition—but with adequate amounts of joy, too.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

When it comes to the question of should we or should we not play with certain people, I will say that it comes down to one’s values and the preservation of said values. I feel that we also can’t have this discussion without bringing boundaries into the equation.

Simply put, boundaries are personal limits and rules we set to protect our time, energy, and well-being.

They help us differentiate between who others want us to be and who we really are.

Boundaries we set for ourselves become our big-T Truth. Our truth consists of desires, preferences, requests, likes and dislikes, and our limits.

Up until my journey of self-discovery, I had absolutely no boundaries. I was a co-dependent yes man and a professional people pleaser.

I was leading my life with my strategic self—the one who needed everyone to like me and the one who feared losing connection by saying no. But I learned that saying NO is one of the most powerful forces to say YES.

Saying NO, and having it respected, is healing, reparative, and empowering.

Choosing Yourself Has a Cost

But I want to be totally honest with you regarding boundaries, because there is a risk when exerting them.

When you say NO to others, you’ll risk losing relationship, every time.

The often difficult work is, while in relationship with a person, choosing yourself no matter the cost and reaping the opportunity to become further empowered by feeling the totality of YOUR experience. YOUR values. YOUR truth.

Over time, your relationship to yourself and others will improve and deepen.

And you may lose relationships that you were perhaps hanging onto but weren’t serving you either. But you will become a more self-governed human being moving toward greater and greater alignment with your values.

Speaking from experience, there is no greater path to authenticity than this.

Three Types of Boundaries

Let’s go over the three types of boundaries: Rigid, Porous, and Clear & Caring.

Many people have a combination of both rigid and porous boundaries. For example, you might be very rigid with food boundaries, but very porous with other people and your own time.

Rigid and porous boundaries come from fear, while clear and caring boundaries come from love of self.

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” — Prentis Hemphill

Pickleball Shows Us Who We Are

For me, pickleball has shown me who people really are, especially under duress. And it’s shown me who I am as well.

I have found that building community within pickleball is not some random free-for-all where anything—or anyone—goes.

I’m careful who I interact with, and I expect reciprocity of respect, consideration, kindness, and safety.

There’s nothing like playing with people who you get and who get you. It’s a whole other level of pickleball that I crave and intentionally look for.

Drew Holcomb and The Neighbors sing one of my favorite songs called Find Your People. My favorite line from the song says:

“You gotta find your people,
Then you’ll find yourself.”

So, next time you’re at the courts, put yourself first.

Check in with your values. Practice your boundaries. Find the people that love you exactly the way you are.

About the Author

Daniel Singer

Daniel Singer is a senior designer at Pickleball Central and a certified relationship coach. He is an avid pickleball player and plays with a rare disease called Charcot-Marie-Tooth. He resides in Orem, Utah.