FLUENT IN PICKLEBALL? WHAT IS YOUR BODY LANGUAGE SAYING?

I think we can all agree that partnership in all forms—romantic, friendship, business, familial—can often be difficult to navigate. We bring so much into each relationship in the likes of baggage, unhealed wounds, differing family of origin dynamics, maybe even some small t or big T trauma. Paradoxically, what most of us don’t bring into any relationship container is lived experience or a blueprint on how to have healthy relationships. We grind our way through, doing the best that we know how. And while we may have much success in whatever our endeavors, we sometimes leave a ripple of hurt, disappointment, or frustration when all is said and done.

In my marriage, I didn’t know how to be a good partner. I was pretty naïve thinking that because I was now married, that partnership is just something that falls into place. Knowing how to navigate life together, making decisions, learning and growing while we move along through life would happen just by nature of being connected to another human.

I recall many times when conflicts would arise, I would get defensive or agitated or would blame my partner for the mistakes that were made. Taking accountability was not my default position. I give myself a little grace because I was very young entering a marriage and already becoming a father a year later.

In the thick of the majority of our conflicts, I would get really activated and oftentimes raise my voice as if the louder the volume of my explanation would declare my view of the situation a clear winner. The truth is, I had no idea how to regulate myself. I grew up in a family where raised voices were the norm.

When I was studying with my mentor in my relationship training, I learned about the impact—and consequences—of negative body language. It made me reflect on the ways that I showed up in my marriage and other high-stakes relationships in hard conversations and the messages I was sending with my gestures, posture, and actions:

• Folded arms across my chest during an argument.
• My body angled on a couch away from a partner.
• An eye roll in response to something my partner said that I deemed ridiculous.

Negative body language can manifest itself in other forms as well:

• Avoidance of eye contact.
• Looking at a phone during a conversation.
• Frowning or staring.
• Overuse of hand gestures.

And while these are all considered non-verbal acts, they actually speak volumes with the messages they send. These subconscious cues can significantly impact how others perceive us. They can create barriers in communication, lead to misunderstandings, and even hurt relationships. Simply put, negative body language creates a lack of safety in a partnership. And when safety is compromised, trust, connection, and communication is easily eroded.

I remember several years ago when I was still learning pickleball and playing at my club several days a week, trying to break through the 2.5 level. An out-of-towner showed up to play and we ended up on the same side of the net. It was obvious that he was a very seasoned player, making very few errors, if any.

During a rally, I geared up for a great putaway shot and ended up hitting the ball clearly out of bounds. My partner let out a groaning sigh with an accompanying head drop, making it clearly obvious that he was disappointed. He continued to exhibit other body language cues with commentary after every mistake I made. Having been in relational spaces of healthy communication for so long prior to this, these responses were foreign to me and I could feel it in my body every time he showed his disappointment. My nervous system became very rattled.

The impact on me was difficult to digest in real time. And in the 10 seconds between the dead ball and the start of the next serve, I somehow had to internalize the message that was being sent, regain my composure, somehow shrug it off, and play better in the next rally.

That’s a lot of stress and pressure to put on a player in a competitive game of stops and starts, intense rallies, and the stark contrast of a drive-reset-dink-speed up sequence.

With my self-confidence now utterly shattered, how was my next shot supposed to be effective when I am now in my head? My body is now tight. I feel discouraged. And the pressure of another mistake that’s going to exacerbate my partner‘s frustration even more is looming in the background. Adding more insult to injury only creates a deeper downward spiral.

Hardly a solid foundation for success wouldn’t you say?

Consider the impact even of the absence of a paddle tap after a bad point and the message it communicates.

Look, I like an evenly-matched, competitive game as much as the next person. And these days, I’m finding that I’m curating groups to play with more often than I used to. I need people on my side who are friendly, encouraging, joyful, and who are willing to develop a playing relationship with me. And while recreational play is often unpredictable—especially playing for the first time with a stranger—there is always the opportunity to decide how you are going to show up in that partnership.

What message do you want to send?

About the Author

Daniel Singer is a senior designer at Pickleball Central and a certified relationship coach. He is an avid pickleball player and plays with a rare disease called Charcot-Marie-Tooth. He resides in Orem, Utah.