FROM DIVORCE TO DINKS: Learning how to do relationships on a pickleball court

Hi! I'm Daniel, and I LOVE PICKLEBALL!

I found Pickleball in 2017, just before my 24-year marriage came to an end. Pickleball became a fun and much-needed distraction from the pain of divorce and the uneasiness of a future life as a single father in his mid 40s.

I got in my own head often as I stumbled to answer questions about my next steps in life: What would my next relationship look like? Would I get remarried? Did I just want to stay single from here on out? How did I actually show up in relationships anyway? I mean, I only had one person’s take as my wife was the first and only woman I had ever dated and then married. There was so much to think about as I stared into the void of the unknown.

Six months later, I was laid off from my job—even more time to ponder next steps…

One thing was for sure though: I absolutely loved pickleball.

I found myself playing 3–5 days a week with my former coworkers where we cut our teeth on the basics of the game. It took me an entire year to actually get to the kitchen line because I was terrified at the speed of the ball seven feet from the net. When my friend made me aware of the massive real estate that I was leaving for my opponents to exploit by his being at the NVZ while I was at the baseline, I finally saw what he experienced playing with me. I committed right then and there to join him at his strategic location. Getting to the line with him was horrifying and reminded me of a soldier coming out of a foxhole and getting pummeled with bullets. An overly dramatic comparison, I know. But also, perhaps a metaphor for what my new singlehood would be like without a life partner to battle with.

As I reflect back on that moment now, I am remembering him having a conversation with me about that scenario after the game was over. Rather than taking the moment in between points to coach me in an already tense moment of play, he chose to finish out the game and then circle back with me later. When I consider this scene through a relational lense, there’s a big difference between working something out in a heated or activated moment versus taking the time and intention to share what was happening, how it impacted his performance, and how we could play together as a better team going forward.

A couple of years later, I found myself in a breakup conversation with my first post-divorce girlfriend, who noticed some things about me and the way I showed up in our relationship. Another dose of bad news. After a tough and heartbreaking ending, I checked myself into a 9-month relationship course in Colorado literally called The Relationship School. While my motivation was mostly to avoid future heartache (and potentially win my girlfriend back), I needed to learn how to DO relationships. Because it felt like a 2.0 trying to dink a pickleball for the first time in ALL of my relationships.

During my four years of training and certifying as a relationship coach while still playing pickleball consistently, I realized that pickleball had become a game full of relational examples and metaphors: Communication. Body language. Partnership. Self-talk. Post-game evaluation. Winning and losing. Bench conversations, and more. Seeing the sport through this new lens has literally become a game-changer for the way I play pickleball and the way I handle all relationships in my life—on and off the court.

I'm excited to share my insights and findings with you in this series. Thanks for following along.